The Corporatorium: Bats (Episode 11)
As I wrestled my outsized binder down the hall, I passed
Diana handing out print samples with unusual energy. “Oh, good, you’re back,”
she said in her let's-get-straight-to-the-point manner. “You’re debriefing us
at the production meeting. Meeting’s moved to 10. TWO’s running late. Bats.”
Bats?
I was distracted by the familiar “ping” of an incoming MOO. Soon followed the familiar chorus of resigned
sighs that seemed to whisper “What now?”
M E
M O R A N D U M O F O P P O R T U N I T Y !
From: The Office of the CEO
The Office of the Director, Global Human Resources
The Office of the Director, Global Human Resources
To: All Employees
A company-wide web cast has been
scheduled for this Friday at 12 noon EST.
While we realize you may have
client obligations that will preclude you from attending this webcast, we
strongly encourage you to make every effort to attend. We will be announcing important changes we
are implementing as we reposition our firm for increased success in the competitive
global marketplace. These changes will
affect many of our processes and procedures and will impact every employee.
This important webcast will be
recorded and uploaded to our employee message board so you can listen to it in
its entirety at any time.
A Lotus Notes Calendar invitation
with login/dial-in information will be disseminated shortly.
Uh oh! Until now, the new Leadership Team, unable to tell us
what we should do, despite the millions poured into their collective purse each
year, told us instead what we had done.
The Leadership team, without understanding what was wrong, had
apparently now decided to take corrective action.
Nigel was standing in the doorway of Ivy, one of the
Cerberus as she read the MOO. “Oh Psshaw!” she exclaimed on finishing.
Ivy was our Miss Havisham, her
yellowed, torn dress, the way things were under The Previous; a tattered much
read procedures manual clutched firmly to her aging chest, Miss Havisham’s
faded bouquet. And like Miss Havisham,
Ivy steadfastly refused to believe the world had moved on, her dream
vanquished. Dedicated to what had been, she would have had the clocks stopped
at the moment The Previous fell if she could.
The Previous was the leadership team who had been summarily
dismissed and replaced by the current team led by Lizzie Borden and Capital B. The current team was thus referred to as The
After.
“You should come over some time,” Nigel suggested quietly.
“You’d like my girls.”
***
Ten o’clock.
“So,” Barbara the first said delicately. “Bats?”
“Yeah, again,” TWO said resignedly.
The Cerberus gasped sympathetically.
“Where?”
“In one of the upstairs bathrooms. Evidently Bruce thought the room was stuffy
so he opened a window. The screen fell
out and the bats flew in. The Batman is coming this afternoon. I left Bruce to deal with him.” Bruce, her beleaguered husband, like gold
hammered thin.
“But how awful,” Barbara the second said. “Why would bats
want to fly into your house?”
“I blame Hollywood and
that awful Anne Rice,” Ivy said. “After all, they were the ones who made
vampires seems so glamorous. And then next thing you know they’re being
received in polite society and you just knew that once that happened, it
wouldn’t be long before their less desirable cousins—the bats—would be pushing
themselves in where they weren’t wanted—like decent people’s bathrooms!
“Indeed,” TWO said noncommittally.
“Indeed.” repeated one of the Cerberus.
“Yes, indeed,” one of the less original of the Cerberus
said.
“So tell, us—how was the meeting?” Barbara the first suggested
quietly, adroitly changing the subject.
“Yes,” TWO said picking up the cue. “How is Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain?”
The Cerberus giggled.
My mouth literally dropped open.
TWO rarely indulged in this sort of open aggression. She was too passive-aggressive for that. Something must have happened on the Officers
call this morning.
“Well…” I began.
“—Wait! Who?” Barbara the second asked.
“Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain,” Barbara the first repeated,
“She means Savannah.”
“Oh. Why do you call
her that?”
TWO gaped at Barbara “You mean you don’t know? I thought everyone
had heard that story. Savannah is a
former beauty queen from Valdosta, Georgia.
And winner of the Miss Valdosta Feed and Grain beauty contest—”
“—three years running,” I put in.
“So can you debrief us on your meeting? Or is that confidential?” Diana asked hoping
to get us back on track so the interminable production meeting would end
sometime in the current century.
Dutifully, I explained the Center of Excellence concept and
the placement of “Excellerators” within each region.
“Excellerators?” Barbara the first giggled. “Really?
That’s what they’re calling you?”
“Uh huh.” I nodded
miserably.
“Well,” said Ivy with uncharacteristic vigor, “The Previous
may not have known what they were doing but clearly neither do these
people!”
The words hung in the air, a stunning betrayal of The
Previous. Scandalized, the other
Cerberus tutted in disapproval. TWO’s bloodless lips drew into a thin line. A single word: “Indeed,” issued forth with
all the finality of a slammed door.
The meeting ended abruptly and TWO and the two Cerberus
still in favor left the room. The rest
of us, stunned, remained, cast into the darkness for heresy, for our collective
silence had been construed as complicity.
Ivy stared dully at us. She looked dazed to find herself abandoned,
left alone to face a future she hadn’t seen coming.
***
My phone danced on the nightstand. It was after midnight. I
knew, without looking, it was a tweet from Nigel, for only in the stillness of
that hour did Nigel feel able to give voice to his discontent.
Nigel Gale @MannequinMan
Aging quietly, noisily. joints crackle like kindling. pubic
hair coarse & fine: copper wire & silver thread. my ageless girls
brittle as I
Missed Episode 10, Excelleration? Read it here.
Read the entire series from the beginning here.
Next Episode Wednesday, August 10.
Read the entire series from the beginning here.
Next Episode Wednesday, August 10.
Copyright © 2016 Larry Benjamin
D I S C L A I M E R
The characters and events described in this blog post exist only in its pages and the author's imagination.
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