The Corporatorium: I Am Prometheus (Episode One)
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I am Prometheus. Prometheus. Say it slowly,
roll the letters around in your mouth. Prometheus.
It is not my real name but it is name most fitting for me. Prometheus, the
creator of mankind and its greatest benefactor, chained to a rock, his liver
eaten daily by an eagle, in eternal damnation for stealing fire and gifting it
to mankind. Yes, there are definite similarities between us.
I am Prometheus, and this is my story. Except it’s not my story. I wish it was, but I am
not unique or special. This is the story of untold millions of hapless chaps
and chicklets caught up in the grinding gears of the corporate machine.
This is a faux memoir told episodically. You will be
inclined, at times, to laugh at us, and cry for us. Do not hold back either
impulse. That is the point of sharing this story—to remind us that life is
nothing but a series of small comedies and tragedies. What is important is what
we take away from each occurrence, what we learn from each calamity and joy.
What will be written here, on these pages will be comedy,
and tragedy, both. It will be a story of
greed, of betrayal, of shattered dreams, of empty, though unspoken, promises,
of careers stalled and ruined, of corporate lies and "noble
purposes," of stunningly deceptive “value propositions,” of mythical
mission statements. In short it will be the
story of a life in corporate America.
But for now, in this first episode of an epic tale, I will
introduce you to the characters in this story—a motley unreasonable cast of
miscreants and unfortunates.
But before I make introductions, know that no real names are
used here—not to protect the innocent, for there are no innocents left to
protect. The few innocents we had were
lost, sacrificed on the altar of shareholder value in the Church of Corporate
Greed.
***
Ours was a small practice, part of a large corporation, a
tiny profit center dealing with employees, sometimes thought of as people but
more often as "human capital," for if corporations are people,
employees certainly are not. We were led
by a small mean woman we called TWO, short for The Wretched One. Or as in
Number 2, for she wasn't shit. Not
really. Her large corner office stank of
failure, the rotting smell of promise unnourished by hope. She herself was surrounded by a coterie of
tall, distraught women, unmarried, themselves without hope. The three had offices surrounding her own,
guarding the entrance to her office like Cerberus. Accomplishing little they talked constantly;
their deep, tight voices colliding as they rose from their constricted bosoms
in a vain attempt to give voice to their collective and individual frustration.
In stark counterpoint was Nigel Gale. Tall, dark, eerily silent he said little and
when he did speak it was in tones so low he might as well not have spoken at
all. He lived in a narrow,
high-ceilinged town house with 26 mannequins each of whom he dressed in
fragile, perfect, vintage clothing and with whom he had dinner and conversation
and occasionally sex. It was a life that
seemed sad, pathetic, to many but was in fact more than he'd ever dared hope
for.
Then there were the Barbaras. Though they shared the same name and adored
each other, they were quite dissimilar.
Barbara the first was tall, blonde, cool. Barbara the second was short, dark and
intense. Picture if you will, a distaff
Hall and Oates cast in black and white, and you'll get the idea.
Barbara the first went to Harvard. It was astonishing how often this came
up. "This is Barbara. She went to Harvard." "Have you met
Barbara? She attended
Harvard." "Oh, that's
Barbara. She attended Harvard, you
know." Now she herself never
mentioned Harvard but her demeanor, her very posture seemed to whisper:
"Barbara, Harvard, Class of '92."
Our creative director, was a freelance artist named Diana
Price. She’d recently married, trading her Prince for a King, thus Diana King,
nee Prince, was now known as The Artist
Formerly Known as Prince, or more reasonably as TAFKAP.
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The Gates of Hell, The Kunsthaus Zürich, Zurich |
And leading our merry band of, often clueless idiots, was
the company CEO, a slim
hatchet-faced woman with breathtakingly bad hair. She was as notorious for "cutting
expenses"—which usually translated into firing people—as she was for her
lack of personal style. In her short
tenure with the Corporation she had axed so many people she became known, less
than affectionately, as "Lizzy Borden." The Corporation had shrunk by a third since
she took over the helm a scant six months before our story begins. And morale was at an all-time low but profits
were up so all was right with the world as far as leadership and the
stockholders were concerned.
Alas, just as this story is getting started, I realize it is
Sunday evening, and I must ready myself for the week ahead. So, I leave you now, here, at the gates…of hell.
Read Episode 2 here.
Read Episode 3, Gay Day in Hell, here.
Read Episode 4, The Workplace of the Future, here.
Read Episode 5, Ghost, Meet Devil, here.
Read Episode 6, Cactuses & Tears, here.
Read Episode 7, Out of the Frying Pan, here.
Read Episode 8, Into the Fire, here
Read Episode 9, Caipirinha, here.
Read Episode 10, Excelleration, here.
Read Episode 11, Bats, here.
Read Episode 12, The Brett Factor, here.
Read Episode 3, Gay Day in Hell, here.
Read Episode 4, The Workplace of the Future, here.
Read Episode 5, Ghost, Meet Devil, here.
Read Episode 6, Cactuses & Tears, here.
Read Episode 7, Out of the Frying Pan, here.
Read Episode 8, Into the Fire, here
Read Episode 9, Caipirinha, here.
Read Episode 10, Excelleration, here.
Read Episode 11, Bats, here.
Read Episode 12, The Brett Factor, here.
Copyright © 2016 Larry
Benjamin
D I S C L A I M E R
The characters and events described in this blog post exist
only in its pages and the author's imagination.
This is great! :)
ReplyDeletethanks. There's more to come. I think I have 38 episodes already written...
DeleteWait. What? Is this the company I work for? (Or maybe worked for?) I already know some of these people. And there are so many more. This may send me over the abyss.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to decide if that's a bad thing.
Funny I've heard that a few times. Guess we're all having similar experiences. Wait until you read Wednesdays episode--finishing that up now. There are 38 episodes ready to go...
DeleteSee you in the abysss
Love!
ReplyDeletethnaks, gogo. :-) Don't miss the new episode on Wednesday!
DeleteWow, reeled me in rather quickly!! Can't wait to take in more.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I had so much fun writing this series.
Delete